First week just goes by

Where to start... few things that I have to write down so I don't forget.  Couple of days before the blood test, I had an instintual feeling that it didn't work- heck.  to be honest, I didn't think it would work going into this either.  I don't know if many girls have this thought....but I never thought I would be pregnant- the idea of carrying a baby in your belly seemed a bit surreal and far-fetched fantasy to me.  Also it's been backed by my over 2yrs of negative pregnancy test that are filling the landfill now. 

Still, I think somewhere inside myself is hoping that something wonderful will happen to me- that I won't be the one that's isolated and alone- Anyhow, I think the best thing is to keep the positiveness around me, and let things just flow.  Funny, we spent over 10K on this procedure- which was by no means a small amount of money, yet ... we feel that that money was never ours to keep! strange- I don't miss the money at all, and for sure it's hitting our budget.  But I think that was the least of our concerns while going thru the procedure.

People are asking..."what's next?" good question.  What IS  next? didn't I do enough? wasn't the first time going through this painful enough? didn't we put eggs in God's basket and asked him to help us not go thru this painfully? I didn't want to get bitter or spiteful- but at times, I am. I'm blaming God for few seconds asking "why are you making me go thru this pain? what did I gain by going through this pain? am I more faithful now?" perhaps my faith is not strong enough to hold me through this.  it's really hard to think that there was a reason to go through this thing- wait.  Yes there was- at least we answered our questions of "can we make a baby?", and that we tried our best medically in our power.  We have a meeting with the EN this week.  I'm sure he'll try to present an option to do this again.  Are we going to consider this? I'm not sure right now- I can't imagine doing this again.  If it fails again- I think I will really break down too much to get back up.  That's my thinking now, but I think I'm on the downside today.  I hope this doesn't discourage anyone- just keepin' it real about what it really costs.