World's Oldest Moms

World's Oldest Moms

facing it

I need to write something down to start letting go.  I really want to let go but I think I've been forcing myself to let go and be happy too early.  I mean really, what was there to grieve? it probably seems silly to others but the process almost took deposits of my emotions, building it high- then a sudden depletion.  And I guess I'm just human.  My hubbs manifests heartache in different ways.  It's really hard to know what he's really thinking, but I know he's processing this physically somehow. 
I feel like someone's grabbed my heart and is squeezing it- I have heartache. I finally cried a lot about the guilt I feel towards my husband.  My inadequacies as a wife- He doesn't blame me, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't feel somewhat responsible.  I know all this is silly and I will get over this.  I'll find peace again, I might even think about going thru IVF again. 

First week just goes by

Where to start... few things that I have to write down so I don't forget.  Couple of days before the blood test, I had an instintual feeling that it didn't work- heck.  to be honest, I didn't think it would work going into this either.  I don't know if many girls have this thought....but I never thought I would be pregnant- the idea of carrying a baby in your belly seemed a bit surreal and far-fetched fantasy to me.  Also it's been backed by my over 2yrs of negative pregnancy test that are filling the landfill now. 

Still, I think somewhere inside myself is hoping that something wonderful will happen to me- that I won't be the one that's isolated and alone- Anyhow, I think the best thing is to keep the positiveness around me, and let things just flow.  Funny, we spent over 10K on this procedure- which was by no means a small amount of money, yet ... we feel that that money was never ours to keep! strange- I don't miss the money at all, and for sure it's hitting our budget.  But I think that was the least of our concerns while going thru the procedure.

People are asking..."what's next?" good question.  What IS  next? didn't I do enough? wasn't the first time going through this painful enough? didn't we put eggs in God's basket and asked him to help us not go thru this painfully? I didn't want to get bitter or spiteful- but at times, I am. I'm blaming God for few seconds asking "why are you making me go thru this pain? what did I gain by going through this pain? am I more faithful now?" perhaps my faith is not strong enough to hold me through this.  it's really hard to think that there was a reason to go through this thing- wait.  Yes there was- at least we answered our questions of "can we make a baby?", and that we tried our best medically in our power.  We have a meeting with the EN this week.  I'm sure he'll try to present an option to do this again.  Are we going to consider this? I'm not sure right now- I can't imagine doing this again.  If it fails again- I think I will really break down too much to get back up.  That's my thinking now, but I think I'm on the downside today.  I hope this doesn't discourage anyone- just keepin' it real about what it really costs.

a day off

It's been a day since we heard the news.  Negative results to my blood preg. test.  We had a good cry, lots of talks lying on the bed- about life, why this(mostly by me), what did I ever do so wrong to deserve this from God, anger, saddness, anger again and saddness, denial.  My emotions were high, at some point I was fine- as if nothing happened.  then during our conversation, my hubby mentioned how he always imagined himself to be a father - that just broke me.  Again, we don't know why it didn't work- everything seemed fine.  Of course, the most common reason of failed IVF is embryo emplantation failure- but my uterus looked "great", and my embryos were beautiful excellent embryos-

after a few, I realized that I felt relieved.  I was so tense and nervous before the news, and today I am so sore from all that tension I was holding till yesterday. So we both took a day off and went to do what we wanted to do.  Some spaiing, eating, saying "I love you" several times...and really mean it each time. We are so much closer now than before.  We didn't blame each other- how can we? we can make a beautiful embryos together, and I have a picture to prove it. :) life goes on.

Power of visualization

Tomorrow I get my blood pregnancy test.  I have my appointment at 11AM but will not get results till that night.  Torture me why don't you? dangle a carrot at a starving samolian donkey why don't you? no,but kidding aside, I don't think we spoke a word of what would happen between me & my husband for last few days.  The closer the date came, less we spoke of serious matter, tip toeing to make sure not to step on the line.  We talk about food a lot.  My hubby's taking such great care of me...cooking, cleaning, working tonz of overtime...I'm getting choked up just thinking about it. It's clear that he's just as invested in this as I am..perhaps even more- I grew up with sisters, so men have always been an enigma for me.  I noticed that they don't express much of their emotions, but I see it in little things that he does.   I think it's understatement to say that we're scared.  We don't talk about this.  We don't discuss what ifs...we have an understanding, without speaking.  I can't think that I am pregnant and I try to stay away from having negative thoughts, but like a scarf on a hot day- the unshakable thought's making me sweat. 

It's so cleansing and therapeutic for me to write this blog.  I don't know where it's going and where I'll end up, but I don't want to forget this experience.  I don't want to forget what we went through to get here, nor take it for granted.  I hope people with kids naturally feel very blessed by reading my story & I hope my fellow "fertile" challenged sisters get strength in knowing that they're not alone.  Note to self: don't forget this experience.  don't forget what you learned & let it become the fertilizer for your character. You are special.

9 days after IVF transfer

I called the EN to see if i can get the pregnancy test done tomorrow- no go.  They need 2 weeks from the egg retrieval day apparently.  I was doing great yesterday, and today...is not so good.  I'm trying to keep things on the light side, steering away from the negative comments, thoughtless people.. My hats off to those who has done this more than once.  I bow to you with my utmost respect, ladies...you are amazing.  Not to mention the mental torture that this is, the physical risks of all the medications, going under each time you're doing egg retrieval- how do they do this more than once?? At the end of the day, would you trade your health, shorten your lifespan to have a possiblity to have a child? it's a different story when you're staring at a physical child, but a potential pregnancy? My gosh.  Honestly,  my hubbs recommended I put all the physical symptoms on the blog so others can see what they're like.

up till day 5: sore and tired.  Mostly sleeping and lying around, and you still feel sore- perhaps due to egg retrieval surgery- or perhaps the body is getting used to the newly inserted embryos. I walk like Geisha.

up till day 8: mild cramping - you definetely feel the mild cramping in your lower abdomin. Almost feels like you're building up for a period. Walking like Geisha without the funky shoes.

day 9: strange sensation tingling once in a while as if someone's holding a harpsicord inside my uterus and they're just tugging one string at a time. AND! to say the least, I feel amorous. :) No problems walking, but carefully taking steps on the stairs. Geisha has graduated to librarian.

who knows what holds tomorrow~~ happy thoughts...happy thoughts...puppies puppies and more puppies!!! hope you guys are all having a superb day!! I wonder how other ppl are feeling on day 9 after transfer. Bon soir!

Eight days after IVF transfer

Ugh.

So far, every day since the 5th day has been getting better.  That darn 5th day was a toughey, and according to others, I'm handling this pretty well.  Lots of tears on peoples' eyes waiting for the result.  Tomorrow is my dad's birthday...his 73rd! geez- he's getting old.  We have 3 girls in our family, and I'm the only one married.  My husband's family has him & his sister, but he's the only one married as well.  No kids anywhere!!! We have four older folks that are sort of like kids.  As soon as I got married, the role of my cutsy dependent youngest daughter took a turn to dependable, responsible, call her to arrange all the family birthdays and weddings who has to take care of all the cousins that come to visit "older sister type".  Asian family thing.

So I imagine having a child in all this.  With our parents getting old, I'm not too sure if they're too crazy about having a grandchild to take care of.  I sometimes think they want me to just take care of them.   I don't care.  For me, my priority has been made clear through all this, as much as it was hard to get here- I'm not going to take what God gives me lightly.  I promised myself that the the baby(s) will be coming into a home that is loving, warm, educational, fun, laughing, and that they (hoping) will be God's precious children.  Keepin' it positive with pink sweaters and argyle socks on my feet!

2 embryos that were excellent

I went outside for the 2nd time today to walk around and see my little garden. I think I get this trait from my parents. I used to see them stay outside working on the garden all day long, making nursery trips and discussing what trees to plant where and why this doesn't work, we should do that or do this. There are things that we don't realize till we reach a certain time in our lives to appreciate it. Take gardening. I have a small and quite pathetic garden. But I love it- I see the small fruits hanging on my half dead lemon tree and I feel glee. I have hope for the little fruit to grow up big & become yellowy sour fruit. I imagine the fruit being squeezed into a lemonade in a clear tall glass on a warm summer afternoon. Silly, eh?

Well, I'm posting couple of baby fruits, my beautiful excellent embryos. Much like my lemon tree, half are bad. but two that survived are in excellent shape & they're candy to my eyes. I also hope these will grow up and become yellowy sweet babies in our lives. Yes, I don't mind yellow babies, cuz I am yellow. :) send me happy thoughts!!!!

We love you

Fourth day of IVF transfer. I often jump to conclusions and think the worst of things, and this is definetely eating me alive at moments. Whew.. take a deep breath. Oh, by the way, I am finally off bedrest! Also my acupuncturist told me a day before the transfer to come back after 3 days after transfer to check the pulse of the baby. So even though it was at the end of day 3, I went to the acupunturist and had to have my pulse checked ( of course, that's so me ) ;). She closed her eyes and felt my pulse as I nervously looked around the room. She started with my right, no reaction on her face. then she went to left, no reaction. Goes back to right then left again. she says, it's definetely a pregnancy pulse, however, it's very very weak. She claims that it's a very dangerous time now, so I must be careful. no work, no housework, eat very well. Heck, you think that's actually a blessing, right? not for me. I cannot sit still! So for me to sit around doing no housework when the house is clearly a mess...it's mental torture I tell you.

Anyhow, when I heard that from her, I knew again, it's 50-50 chance. No clarity. cloudy days are in my head again...is it going to rain? came home and searched my heart for what God wants for me. Why am I going thru this uncertainty? then I realized. Dude, I know where this is going! I've been through this a week ago, right? Have NO FEAR! God is a good GOD & no matter what my worries are now, things will happen the way it's supposed to happen. I will not kneel down on my knees for this. I mentally visualized attacking fear with my sword- that felt good. Also heavy dose of korean drama was giving me happy moments. Note to self: later, if you get doubtful, read your blog....peaceout for now.

Two zygotes, no more

Bedrest....I feel so sore from lying Down. Embryo transfer went smoothly and now we're just waiting for some kind of miracle. There are signs of god everywhere. Will write more when I can actually sit and type :)

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so far there are Three

So. EN tells me that I have 3 zygotes, they all divided, but two of them are better than one other. He will call me after he has his meetings with his endocrinologist. I got a suggestion from a friend to keep beliving that God has the right plan for me. I am keeping myself occupied. Surround myself with positive energy & keeping it going. Please pray for me, if you can. My hubby called twice to see if I've heard more news... :)