I had a revelation. I was on my way to my 11AM appointment at EN, and last two days have been...well, not pretty. Two days ago, i saw 2 eggs out of 13 growing, and with that- we had to wait 2 more days to find out if this is going to be a failed ivf. So much time spent on finding out on the net about what that means, my EN didn't give me a clear answer, but did say that it doesn't have much to do with increasing the meds. Because the 2 eggs have been effected, the drugs are working, just not for all. Again, not a clear answer.
So I thought of several outcomes of the visit while I was driving, all speculations. Riding on emotional rollercoaster was just a common thing now, I am at the amusement park central. And then, it dawned on me. I've been through a frustrating situation before, and everytime...it's always been an up and down inside of me, whatever the outcome. I came out complaining about what the heck was that all about? blaming everything else and always thinking that it was my bad luck.
Well then, what happends if worse senario happens to me in life? am I always going to ride this rollercoaster without seatbelt emotional ups & downs? How have I become a better person through this situation? I have gained absolutely nothing but dissappointments and a victim of circumstances, again. Well, I decided that this time it's not going to be like that. No matter what happens, I'm not letting myself go down in flames. This will be my learning experience and I will learn to be a stronger person through this. What will happen will happen. pretty good so far, eh? :)
so I park my car & gallently march up the stair to the EN office. take the blood test for the 9th time, and get ready to do the ultrasound. I am nervous, but not down. I have a strength in my heart that I didn't feel before! God will be my strength and He will bear my pain with me. EN comes in and we both see the probe making its rounds around the ovary. " Your uterus looks great, whatever I put in there will implant well"..... And he goes onto counting the eggs/follicles. "on your left, there are...one, two possibly three..." ? three? and then he goes on..."on your right, there are one, two, three.." what? did he say that I have possibly 6 follicles?
After the ultrasound, I was left in the dark exam room. I started to fumble and to find my underwear and I realized that I was crying. I had built a wall to be strong, but I didn't realize that it was going to be a good news! I can't believe that we are going to have 5 eggs! Ok, I have to compose myself before seeing the EN. I dried up and took a big breath. Need to be composed now... I went to the EN's office and he gave me his schedule that we are in good shape. I was telling him that I had thought that we were going to fail this time due to lack of eggs.... EN says.."I apologize that we gave you that impression". I had tears just falling now. Hallelujah!!! But I will stay strong and be courageous!!!! Thank you Lord for this new found strength.
I told my hubbs the good news...and even better news- that I am okay, and will be okay through this. We agreed that no matter what happens, we're going to be strong and not let this "ruin" our lives. God will help us, we will not give up on God. Thank you for all your prayers, my dear friends and mom (she didn't know how to pray, but I think perhaps she found a way). I love you guys so much.
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